Hope You Enjoy These Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

• Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.

• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."

• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

• This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours."

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

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Here's the next batch of jokes preachers can use to add a little laughter to their ministry.

The Highest Bidder!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Man of the House

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Something to Beef About!

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.

"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."

Running Bear 

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

Park It!

The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up.

One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the peak of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.

The minister stopped his sermon, pointed directly at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."

The sermon continued undisturbed after a good laugh by the congregation.

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When I was Young
When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um … no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea…"

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get yourself over here. I've got something to show you!"

"Not now! I'm eating."

"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."

"No way."

"Please. It's urgent."

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

Jonah and the Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

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Bible Based Bumper Stickers

Adam: "You are what you eat."

Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

The Taxi Driver Gets A Mansion

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

One Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

The Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

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A BUNCH OF BULL

A farmer answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture. The farmer said, "No."

"Legally, that paper says we can," replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the farmer went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the farmer hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"

BETTER KNOW WHEN TO TAKE A STAND

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.

GIFT OF INTERPRETATION

Mom walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of
animal crackers spread on the counter top.

Mom: "Why did you pour out the whole box?"

Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken. I'm looking for
the seal."

LEFT HANDED GOD

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

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Preacher Jokes to Release a Little Joy

DON'T SCARE ME!

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!" 

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. 

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

DON'T BE LIKE THIS GUY!

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Enjoy this brief sermon and testimony about how God is good and finger licking good! This funny story about being on a diet and hungering for Kentucky Fried Chicken will press home the point that when your relationship with God becomes more personal then it will mean more to you.

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